Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
