Cold hands, warm shart.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
