I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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