I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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