I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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