hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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