apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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