You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
