It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
