I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
