I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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