Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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