I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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