Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
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