I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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