nut hugger
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
