I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
