Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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