I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
