his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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