Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
