So drunk its hurt
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
