i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
