remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize