The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
