I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Randomize
