I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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