I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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