I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
