Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
