He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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