she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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