Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
