do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
