Old men and throwing up are my life now.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
