Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
