I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
