What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
