I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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