it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
