tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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