After last night, I could never be a politician.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
