How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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