I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize