How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
we're so committed to being not committed
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
