Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
