It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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