I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
