she woke up with a sticky ear
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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