someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize