Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
