I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Send help, water and tortillas.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
