Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
