so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My dick has a subreddit
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
