turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
