I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
ttyl tear gas
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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