I just pynch a tree in the face
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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