I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
