My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
