he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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