There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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