my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
