this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Sorry my hands just texted you
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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