Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
