At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
