I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
