I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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