you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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