I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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