BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
