You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
