What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
