I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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