I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
They should really pass out barf bags in church
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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