just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
