I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
