Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize