I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
